I have breast cancer. I’ve known for almost three weeks. Surgery has already been scheduled and shortly after that, I will start radiation treatments. The situation is still somewhat surreal, and I keep asking myself, “Did the doctor really say malignant?” It was difficult telling my friends and family. The worst was telling my kids. Even though I tell them that cancer research and treatment have come a long way, I know what they are thinking. I’m thinking it.
I’ve lain awake many a night since that day, a million thoughts racing through my mind. Of course there’s always the first thought, “Why me?” Then there’s the inevitable second thought, “Why me, God?” I’ll admit, I’m not a regular church goer, but I do believe in God, and I commune with him in my own way. I pray daily for sick friends or relatives, people I don’t even know, and for the world to be at peace. Sometimes I ask for things. Like patience or knowledge or for God to give my daughter the strength and skills necessary to play a good game of soccer. I know the last one is a little silly, but goalkeepers need all the help they can get, even if it is divine intervention. Since my diagnosis, I’ve prayed for my doctors to have the wisdom and skill they need to help me get well. I’ve prayed for strength so I can beat this disease. But I keep going back to the question, “Why me, God? You couldn’t just give me something I keep asking for? It seems to me it would be a lot less painful.”
It dawned on me today that although I have been very worried, I have also been much more calm than usual. Little things that would normally cause me to be quickly irritated – the computer freezing up, the printer jamming every time I try to print an envelope – aren’t really bothering me. Driving home from work, I find myself thinking the rude driver that just cut me off is not a big deal in the grand scheme of things. I will still eventually arrive at my destination.
Suddenly, it hits me like a two ton boulder. Has God finally given me the patience that I’ve asked for all these years? I’m beginning to think he has. I didn’t really anticipate receiving it in the form of cancer, thank you very much. But God doesn’t always do things in the way that we anticipate, want, or even understand. This will truly be one of the biggest challenges I have ever had to face. I believe God will be with me during this journey, because he tells me so: Genesis 21:22 ~ “God is with you in all that you do.”
Once you've heard that "cancer" word uttered, you're never the same. But the unexpected 'gifts' that come to you after cancer has entered your life or the life of a loved one can be blessings in their own way.
ReplyDeleteYou think differently, you react differently. That rude driver may have just received some bad news and isn't thinking about their driving. The woman who bumped into you with her grocery cart may have just lost her husband. I think we become more patient and more compassionate ... and we surely learn to not "sweat the small stuff" cuz it just plain doesn't matter.
Love your writing, D'Layne. I'm keeping you in my prayers and cheering you on.
Dianne